Hello Heart.

For some reason today this just came to me. As I was taking a shower I got to thinking and all these thoughts came at me at once. I had to get them out. After I wrote in my personal journal I had to share some of those thoughts here, too. I think my heart knew I had some things to process and get off my chest so Hello Heart.



I've got nothing in this world to complain about. Nothing of much significance anyway. I have the most incredible family and true friends ever and all the material goods that don't really matter. I have a nice roof over my head, nice clothes on my body, delicious food in my pantry and fridge, and I drive a nice car. I've got more than a lot of people do. I realize this and i'm grateful but I still struggle. It's not with monetary or material items though. My struggle is finding balance.

I'm lucky enough not to have to work. My Fiance realizes the importance of me staying home so I can be 100% involved with our son. That's something no other guy I've dated has ever understood. Don't get me wrong, I'd go to work in a heartbeat before I let my Fiance work two jobs but right now that's not an issue. On that side of things life couldn't be any better. My Fiance doesn't expect me to keep the house spotless or have dinner on the table when he walks in from work. Most of the time I do though because that's the pressure I put on myself. I feel like it's my job as a stay at home mom/wife to take care of the house, dinner, and whatever else that ensues. I take my job as seriously as if I was employed outside the home. That's why there are times I stress about something as simple as clothes being all over the bedroom again or trash not being taken out or shoes all over the living room. I try so hard to live by the saying "excuse the mess, we're making memories here" but sometimes it's hard. Sometimes I forget that it's not so important that my house looks like something out of Southern Living magazine and more about the joy and comfort of my family and friends who enter our home.

Truth of the matter is that when I was in high school I thought i'd have life figured out by now and I'd be married with 2 or 3 kids and a couple pets running around the yard of our house that was enclosed by a white picket fence and that yes, my house would look like something out of Southern Living Magazine and my family would look like something out of a Gap ad. Turns out God had other plans for me in life, in fact he probably laughed at mine and boy am I glad. He sure knew what he was doing because I'm beyond happy right now. The happiest I've ever been. Do I have the husband? Almost. We're engaged. Do I have the 2-3 kids? No, but I have one amazing one that I wouldn't trade for the world. Do I have the house with a white picket fence? Not exactly but we have a small but great house that the three of us are making into a home, our home. I like small houses anyway. I grew up in a small house. Mom, Dad, Me, two brothers, dogs, cats, and reptiles and a slew of friends who were always with us. Those are the memories that I'll always cherish. I believe growing up in a small house made us closer because we had no choice but to spend time together so now I have no problems raising my family in a small house.

There's a quote I have framed on my shelf beside me. It's from Truman Capote in Breakfast at Tiffany's "I am always drawn back to places where I have lived, the houses and their neighborhoods." I bought it at Restoration Hardware when my Mom and I were Christmas shopping because I read it and it was one of those quotes that grabbed me and I couldn't shake. It really resonates with me and sticks with my soul because it makes me think of that little house on Macedin Drive and all the memories that are still there. Yesterday my Fiance and son and and I were driving around looking at new houses and came upon the neighborhood I grew up in. I asked my son if he had ever seen the house I grew up in, he had but he was much younger. He said no so I made my Fiance go there. It was like a walk in time. Nothing at all looks the same, in fact, the neighborhood looks shady now but it was still like I went back in time. Those are the kind of memories I want my children to have. With Dylan it will be a little different because he's grown up in my parent's house and they plan on staying there forever but I hope when he's grown and we've moved out of this little house on Willowbrook he'll drive by with his family sometime and remember all the happy times we had. This house will be hard to let go of in a way because it's where we started our life as a family of three, maybe four before we can sell it. It's where we celebrated Christmases and Birthdays. It's the first house my son ever got to trick or treat out of. It's where Alex proposed to me in front of our Christmas Tree and it'll be our first house as husband and wife.

Truth of the matter is that even at 33 I have no idea what I want to do with my life besides being a Mom and Wife. God has taken the reins on every other aspect of life and put me where I needed to be exactly when I need to be there. I know this is no different I just wish that this was as easy as choosing to have my son or getting married to Alex. I thought I wanted to be a nurse when I was in high school. That didn't work out. Since having my son I thought I wanted to be an elementary school teacher. I was even in school earning my degree for it but after several set backs i'm finding myself questioning that. Lately my heart hasn't been set on it and I want whatever I do in life to set me on fire with passion like it does for being a wife and mom. In a way I want it to help define me. I don't want it to be the only thing that defines me but I want it to be part of what defines me, if that makes any sense. I don't believe in the Common Core Cirriculum and have found myself wondering if I can teach something I don't believe in. I'm not sure I can.

I've always wanted to work with the Make A Wish Foundation but I think that would require a lot of traveling and that's not something i'm willing to do at this point in my life. So I've been thinking along those lines, still. What would give me the satisfaction of helping others and allow me to stay home based? Since I love animals, more than people some days, my heart has been saying working with service dogs. Dogs who are trained then placed with families of those with special needs. Now i'm just questioning if that would be the right move since I'll be getting married soon and having another baby (after we get married-no baby in the works yet).

I finally feel like I'm getting where I've always wanted to be in my life and for that I couldn't be any happier or more blessed.