Heavy Heart

It's been a while since I blogged, a lot has happened. My buddy started 6th grade. That's our biggest milestone lately. It's shaken our world up a bit. He's having a hard time getting settled in. He's in all gifted classes, which is amazing and makes this momma heart proud. With that has come some struggles though. Some struggles of not making great grades and trying to get in the swing of things. He's been a lot nervous about it all. So nervous he's made himself sick. Last night he brought home his first progress report for math and while it's not great, in fact it's a failing grade, I'm giving him some lee way because this process is new to all of us.

Elementary school was a breeze, he never struggled and had teachers who helped him every step of the way. This year it's like the blind leading the blind with little communication between the parents and teachers. I know they're trying to teach them to be grown up and all that stuff but truth of the matter is they're not grown up. They're 11 years old and coming from elementary school. Middle school as a parent seems to be a bigger nightmare than it was when I was going through it myself, if you can believe that. The fact that I want to protect my "baby" or at least know he's with teachers who want the same things I do for him. It doesn't seem that way though but together we're learning the process and over coming fears. Of course I can't let my fears show in front of him because it only makes things that much worse for him. I'm having to act like a duck "keep calm on the surface but paddle like hell underneath the water." We're learning how to stay organized and how to do homework again. I'm learning that he NEEDS me more this year than ever before because it's harder than it ever has been.

I realized last night when he brought me his progress report that I need to be more involved. I actually need to check his home work for him and ask if he gave me everything he needed to. If I signed everything. I have been placing most of the responsibility on him because, in years past, he's been on top of it all. Never had a bad grade, never gotten in trouble for anything, nothing bad or negative ever! I know you think I'm lying but really, I'm not that's why this process is the hardest thing I've done up to this point. That includes college for myself and being a single mom for 9 years of his life. Thankfully we're a family of 3 now and together we're going to get through this. I just need a lot of Jesus, coffee and patience.

That being said something else that's heavy on my heart; another reason I need a lot of Jesus, coffee, and more understanding than patience on this subject is cancer. Yeah, that awful disease that makes my heart hurt every time I think about it because I've already lost my Grandaddy to it now my soon to be father in law and my soon to be sister in law are battling it. My FIL just had his surgery last week. My SIL will have surgery in December. My best friend just had biopsies because they think her skin cancer might be back, she gets her results this week. And our beloved Duke has had cancer for the last couple months. We just treasure every day with him. Some will say "he's just a dog" but to us our dog is as much family and as loved as my FIL, SIL and best friend. He was my Grandpa's best friend and in some ways we feel he's an extension of Grandpa. I know when Duke's time here on Earth is through he'll go to heaven and be re-united with Grandpa. We sure hope there's a wrecker truck and endless hotdogs in Heaven.

Top that off with the fact that my fiancée and son have both been sick with sinus issues and I'm one physically and emotionally drained momma. I need Jesus more than ever now.